Brother Mike Torla is a regular contributor to the bulletin and the web site.
It is only fitting that we have a page to put all his contributions!
What is a Grandparent?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own.
They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.
It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How
come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for
the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't
have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend
time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say
prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
Graffitti
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her sh**.
Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC
Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
...and my favourite, and most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
CONFUSING SIGNS
Spotted in a toilet of an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE
FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office lunchroom:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD
EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING
BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES,
WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A
WONDERFUL BARGAIN
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE
ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO
CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE
BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET
WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK
HARD ON THE DOOR; THE BELL DOESN'T WORK
Didn't Have It...Didn't Miss It!
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may
want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.
Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used
to be, is it?
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "what was your
favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him.
"All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home," I explained. "Grandma cooked every
day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining
room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to
sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going
to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about
how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my
childhood if figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set
foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit
card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card.
The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly
because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50
pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my
grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they
bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was
blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was
perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn
on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the
picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza and it was called "pizza
pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off,
swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's
still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in
our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was
in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you
had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already
using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. Milk was. All newspapers
were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a
newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2
cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the
42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me
50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the
ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the
movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing
and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French
movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
Why Men Are Just Happier People!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
restroom is just too icky.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache!!
And You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24,
in 45 minutes.
Who Stepped On A Duck?
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
We KNEW he looked familiar!!!!
I have always wanted to know the answers to these questions.
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?
13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on..........
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?
TWENTY-FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW...
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. 2 Facts in Life: 1. THERE IS A GOD; 2. YOU'RE NOT HIM/HER
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Subject: Bobbitt Update
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh
causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in
serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with a ....
...Misdewiener
A Point To Ponder
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12
million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost
any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to over 300 Degrees.
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes--they're due again soon.
Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had
nothing to play with.
2.. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other
night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I
said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said
"Because
you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on
and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.
Now,
I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept
covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a
radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told
me
that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid that
came
with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said
to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of
my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost! , I saw a policeman, and asked him to help
me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He
said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big
I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
I
look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"
He
said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man, I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
kite
in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves
a
pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the
paper
four times - three of those times I was reading it.
!
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was
in
the electric chair.
And my Fav: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my
mother!
Comments made in 1957:
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going
to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long
before
$2000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a
pack
is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside
help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost
29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the
garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible
to
stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys WILL be wearing their hair as
long
as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems
every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put
a man
on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they
call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000
a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making
more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married
women
are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to
watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to
be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a
whole lot
of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes
half
our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
people
to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It
costs
nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is
too
rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
Patriotic Rock
Every year, for the last five years, a talented artist, Ray (Bubba) Sorensen II, has done a Memorial Day
tribute to our servicemen and servicewomen, both past and present, with a stirring tableau painted on a
large granite boulder which stands next to Highway 25 in rural Iowa
It was featured last 4th of July on the nationally televised Boston Pops Concert, as well as on
many Network news presentations.
You can view the entire rock, as well as other "Bubba Creations" by clicking on one of the pictures.
